A name.

I've been pretty  quiet on here.  And I love to write, but I haven't found the words to say to justify the recent events.  One of my very best friends in high school, and that doesn't fully encompass our relationship because we were all like sisters, but Sarah... Sarah was a catalyst for me, an inspiration, but above all, what I needed most, a true friend, through and through.... she was killed over two months ago.  Those words are still in my head, yet to be written, when I can fully give the situation and my emotions justice.  It was much different than when I lost our baby girl, which was so much more harsh and realistic, and the shock would come and go.  With Sarah, I was in shock and it's slowly faded into a reality where she isn't here anymore.  After weeks of nightmares, I finally had the dream I needed and it was beautiful.  But here I am, talking about the thing, I said I wouldn't.  Because I wanted you to know why, the name was such a big deal.

I've never hid things from Bella,  she knew when we lost her baby sister.  For weeks after the event, she prayed for her baby sister, she talked about her, she genuinely missed her.  It was in the moments of anguish,  I found comfort because I knew my little girl, knew who her baby sister was. And I never understood my miscarriage, why it happened the way it did.  I thought I may never know.  It's when I got the news about Sarah, my heart shattered all over again and it wasn't until a month after her death, that it all made sense.  It was at a fast & testimony meeting at church ( for you Non- Mormons_ the first Sunday of every month, the members fast two meals and donate the price of said meals to the church,  and during our Sacrament meeting, members are given the opportunity to bear their testimonies, or what the believe. People bear their testimonies, whether they fast or not.  I don't want it to sound like you have to pay to speak, because you don't.  The fast offering is used to help other members in our ward that need assistance.) There was a huge campaign to petition that Sarah be added to the "In Memoriam" section of the Oscars and stars, crew, anyone in the media business, were asked to wear a black ribbon for Sarah to show their support. We were told it couldn't be done, but just like everything else Sarah touched, she overcame what she was told she could not.    I wasn't invited to the Oscars, but all the same, I made little black ribbons for my family and we wore them to church.  I was still so emotional, and I felt like I needed to say something,  it was in those moments, that it all connected.  My little girl was there to greet Sarah.  Sarah had been such a fundamental person for me in a time in my life where there wasn't very much solid ground.  She was a gift from God and just what I needed to set me on the path I am on now.  Over the years, we lost touch, but it gave me comfort to know she was going to call me a week before her death.  That she still had pictures of us together on her bulletin board. I thought of her often before, even though our lives took different turns, we were both doing what we said we would do.  That Sunday, I bore the most sincere and powerful testimony I've ever been blessed to know. I knew that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me, and even though, I was enduring a great deal of pain, I KNEW where Sarah was and I knew I would see her again.  I knew that my daughter was there with my best friend.  I knew that the Savior in His Atonement had conquered death, but he also felt the grief I and so many others were carrying with me.  I was not alone.  None of us were.  I was able to experience a glimpse of heaven where I could literally feel God's love for me and could almost physically feel His arms wrap around me.  I am gratteful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I know with every fiber of my being that is the restored church of Jesus Christ and it is the only church on the face of the earth today with the fullness of the gospel and all of the restored keys to the priesthood.  Without that knowledge, I would be utterly lost.

With my due date approaching, and the birth of other marker babies, I have had a trying time.  Much better than my moments in the past, it has now become more of a dull ache.  it's constant.  We found out last week, I had another , but very early, miscarriage. When we found out I was really bummed.  It was different for me since I knew it was more of a body change confirmation than actually seeing a positive pregnancy test and ultrasound like we did with my little girl.  It makes me feel very broken.  It makes me sad.  But I have not last faith in my Heavenly Father.  I know He has a plan for me.  He has gotten me through some really big things already, and I know He will see me through this.  We haven't had any issues prior to my first miscarriage, so another one so close is concerning, but I know I am in the Lord's hands, and there is no safer place for me to be.  I have struggled with my feelings towards our little girl.  We never felt right naming her because we didn't know what to call her, it's not like we could see her and say "Yep, you're a Susan or a Molly"  I mean, we know she has a name, but we didn't know what that was....

After Sarah's passing, I tried to reconcile my feelings of grief for her, and our daughter, and ways to honor them both.  We want five kids and we keep going back and forth about when to start trying again.  I'm super busy with the photography and booked through June, so we would have to wait until after that because my pregnancies are the worst!  I told Mitch, if it was a girl, I wanted to name her Darcy Elizabeth, after Sarah Elizabeth Jones.  He agreed that the name seemed fitting.  This was for our daughter to come, so I couldn't use it for the daughter that had passed, it seemed like a cop out to me and not an ode to a new life for one taken too soon.  So this week, while we were all in the living room, Bella started talking about "Sarah Emily"  And I asked her who this "Sarah Emily" was and she replied quite non- chalantly, " you know, my baby sister, Sarah Emily, the one that went to live with Heavenly Father.  That's her name."  She never talked about her like this before and I consider it a tender mercy because I felt that it was incomplete, without her having a name.

To some people it might seem crazy, but my pregnancy was very real.  Her life was very real, just like Sarah's .  Some might question if Bella told me her name was Queen Elsa, would I have agreed so quickly?  But the name seemed to fit so nicely.  It's still hard to talk about with Mitch because we both get so emotional, but our last thoughts and words last night, were about our second daughter, how we never named her, and how we felt that "Sarah Emily"  was a perfect fit.  So I am pleased to announce, six months after her birth and death on October 3, 2013, our littlest angel, Sarah Emily Howe went home to live with her Heavenly Father.  And somehow, knowing she has a name, if only within our family, brings me one step closer to finding peace.  I know I will see both of my Sarah's one day and I am grateful for this wisdom and the spiritual connection my Bella has.  She may drive me crazy at times, but I will take all the crazy she can dish out to spend all my days with her sweet, sweet spirit.

All of MY LOVE to my Sarah's.

Sarah Elizabeth Jones 9/22/1986- 2/20/2014

Sarah Emily Howe    10/3/2014-10/3/2014