Emotionally Drained...

.... I Google-ed ( I love how that's a verb)  "Emotionally Drained" and then clicked images.  This is what I got.  It's a little creepy and I'm not quite sure this is how I vision myself looking... but I feel just that.  Emotionally drained.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Not so much because of myself but my family.  Not even my immediate family (Mitch and Bella are just great!)  but my extended family.  I haven't blogged because I haven't really felt inspired.  I've been in prayer and thought.  For my family.  I know everybody feels like they have a "little crazy" in their family, but I feel like crazy has completely bypassed the happenings of late and chugged right on down to"Are you kidding me, right now?" and on its way to "What else could happen?"  And it's not even an individual family member, but SEVERAL! Not the same problem but MANY different yet crucial in their own way problems.

And the worst part is, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  If you know me, I'm a people pleaser, to the exact definition.  I'll forgo my own wants or needs for someone else's happiness to prevent hurt or contention.  I can't go into the specific issues of the family because
A.) some of you know my family
and
B.) there not my issues to share

Just my burden because I love my family and hate to see them suffer.  I'm a woman of faith, I love my church and the gospel brings me such peace. It really does.  But I find myself in a situation where I am asking God to help me understand.  Pleading with Him to make me feel okay with the fact there is nothing I can do to make their problems go away or take their pain.  I'm at the point where I can't understand so I'm just asking for comfort for myself.  I literally have just poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father asking for peace.  And I have felt His tender mercy of comfort, that it will be okay.  Not that I necessarily understand, just that it's going to be okay.

It's so hard.  To see members of your family struggle.  I feel like the "world" can be a mean place but then sometimes, I feel like family can be just as cruel, not intentionally of course, but mean still the same.  If you were to gather all the people ( in my combined families) in a room, there wouldn't be enough room to accommodate because of all the BIG pink elephants in the room that no one will talk about.

I know every family has their issues,  every individual has their own personal struggle,  each relationship has its own challenge in dynamics... it's for our good.  To grow, progress and learn.  I just feel overwhelmed about the disasters that take place in my family.  I understand bad things happen to good people.  I understand good things happen to bad people.  It's just its different when its your family.  People you love with all your heart (or at least try to)  and it absolutely kills me to see them hurt.  I think I myself might go crazy to try and figure out the rhyme or reason.

I try to think of my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  Their love for me and their love for my family.  I know my family are children of God and He isn't out to get them.  I'm sure it hurts Him just as much, if not more to see them suffer.  But then, He has the eternal perspective (which I struggle to keep in focus, at times) and He can see the end game.  I can't.  That's another things that doesn't go well with my personality....a planner.  I need to know the outcome and that everything will be okay.

I've experience many painful things in this life, just like everyone has.  Some are worse than others and some are better than others...but it's the fight or flight survival skill, that has afforded me the ability to 'shut down or shut out" things that are unpleasant.  I can actually remove myself from the situation and convince myself that its' not really happening.  As I've gotten older, and in married life (shutting down is not a good thing, Mitch has been super patient about this)  I've had to learn to master this.  The issue I'm having now, is that if I don't shut down or shut it out, I have to face it.  And deal with the emotions that come with it.  Which can be a scary and not fun thing to do.  Especially when there is nothing you can do about it.

With all the goings on of family life and things I can't control.   I can provide a normalcy for my family (Mitch & Bella).  I can strive to live as closely to the gospel standards as I can to protect myself and my family.  I PROMISE everything the church teaches is for our good and more importantly for the good of your family.  Which is the most priceless thing on this world!  I am so eternally grateful for the gospel and the comfort it brings me.  Eventhough my life seems a little unbalanced at the moment, I don't even want to imagine what it would be like if I didn't have this knowledge.  I can look back on every "issue" my family is experiencing and can trace it back to where there was a lapse of judgement or a deliberate denial of council given.  Don't get me wrong, we all make mistakes and I am not perfect, not in the least bit perfect.  It just hurts to see them suffer and knowing that it could have possibly been avoided.  The only thing I know to do, is love them, try to live my life so I can set an example, and pray.

 I have to remember we all have agency to chose our own choices. I won't say "free" agency, because there are consequences, whether they be good or bad, to every choice we make.  ANd it's not always our choice that affects us negatively but the choices of others.  They have their agency too.  So even though you make a right choice, someone else might make a wrong choice and you suffer because of it.

Does anyone else have similar experiences or feelings with their family?  Or am I just a crazy person with the rest of my family?

I'm sorry to ramble on and I feel like this was just one big complaint, but it just helps me to write it down and get it out there.


*.*.* AS SOON AS I POSTED THIS, I went to research talks for the sisters I visit teach, and found this article, "Face the Future with Faith" This is exactly what I needed to hear.  I don't think Heavenly Father reads blogs (not saying that He couldn't) but I feel like He gave me the things I needed to hear in this talk.