Bad things happen.

Bad things happen.  All the time.  They just happen.  Sometimes there is a specific reason and sometimes its because of the choice of someone else.  That's not to say you can't learn from any experience or that Heavenly Father won't use any opportunity for our benefit, for His benefit, whichever is needed.  Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, and at some point in our lives, it's safe to say, good and bad will happen to everyone.  Not always in equal doses. Most always not in equal portions and to be honest, I'm not sure how the rationing went in heaven.  I'm not sure if there was a raffle or we signed up for it or we were chosen to complete this.  I am pretty sure we had a fairly good idea of what we were getting ourselves into.  I'm sure we would have done anything to come to this earth to get bodies, to be tried, to experience the Atonement.  Maybe that's one of the reasons.  Maybe we couldn't experience true emotions without these bodies of ours, and hormones, and feelings.  I don't know... it's late and a simple thought continues to evolve into very complex and maybe even non sensical thought, but I digress.

Back to my first thought,  bad things happen.  And I've been thinking about this a lot.  Not in a pity party or look how strong I am way.  But I look at our life,  Mitch has given up his life to serve.  Serve his paternal family by working back breaking work for his father for over 15 years.  Serve his church by going on a faithful mission and serving with Honor for two years of his life.  He gave up any free time for himself to attend school, work as much work as he could to support our family,  work that does not hold much value in the eyes of the world, and at times did not produce much profit, but he earned every penny with cracked and calloused hands, blood, sweat of immeasurable quantities, in a field where so many people look down on him,  And he still does.  He works his you know what off... I debated using the word, because there is a harshness to the life he lives day in and day out. He rarely complains, but is more than willing to listen to my hardships throughout the day as mother.   He works by himself now, doing some of the hardest work he can, in a field where people treat him like he is stupid, scum of the earth.  Eventhough he graduated with Honors with Bachelor's degree, esteemed by professors and colleagues alike.  I can't remember the last time Mitch bought something nice for himself.  I think about that all the time, he works SO hard and we still barely make ends meet.  Not because we are extravagant in our lifestyle, but we were forced into debt because circumstances changed. When Mitch and I first got married, we were making amazing money.  We went from an annual salary of over $60,000 with no college degrees with just ourselves to care for  to less than $12,000 with a baby! And while we were living with his parents, we still had our fair share of bills and contributed a portion of rent each month.  I drive the same car I had in college.   And yes, I could have gone back to work and helped with the financial burden, but after having Bella, we felt very strongly that I was to be in the home with our children.  There are days that I still question myself, am I the right person to be doing this?  Would they be better off or safer with someone else?  I see so many ways where I fail, and sometimes I am disgusted with myself.  But those are the times something wonderful happens.  The other night, as I was laying in bed with Bella. I let her wear one of my shirts to bed.  She snuggles up to me so tight and says, "Thanks mom, for sharing your shirt  with me.  You're the best.  You always share everything with me.  And Daddy does too."  And then I know, I am right where I need to be.  And we are grateful.  We are grateful for a home of our own.  For a car that works.  For food on our table and clothes on our bodies.  We are grateful for the gospel and the peace it has brought us and continues to bring.  We are grateful for a faithful marriage that is not perfect, but is dedicated and filled with love.  We are grateful to have children, wonderful children.  They are the light of our lives and bring us SO much joy.  We are grateful for amazing family and friends.  We are grateful for miracles, our life has been filled with them.  There are so many times where we shouldn't have pulled through, where some may have given up or said, "I'm done."  But the tender mercies have not ceased in our lives.

Mitch works so hard for our family.  We are applying for grad schools and he has applied for every job we can find in his field.  After months of searching we were able to secure a PRN position with wonderful people, but it pays less than the landscaping and it's only a few hours a week.  It's enough that we don't get to see him very often and allows almost no break for him to recover because he has to make up for lost time in landscaping and trying to help me with the kids/ my health/ his health. But I am grateful for a few hours a week people can see just how amazing and smart he really is.  People can see beyond the dirt and grime he was wearing hours before he goes to the clinic.  The people on the street that see him working in all climates of weather, and judge him as a low life, with no ambition.  They don't see the man with a testimony of Christ, who loves his Savior with a fierceness I have never witnessed before meeting him.  They don't see the man who is working as hard as he can to provide for his family until we can go to Grad school and finally be recognized as the intelligent and worthy person he is and the reason he wants to be a Physician Assistant is so that he can help heal people.  They don't see the man who gave his birthday money to a homeless man.  They don't see the man who is dirt tired from standing on his feet all day, performing work that most people would never consider doing, only to come home and wrap his arms around his children who are awaiting anxiously to see their Daddy and then play with his kids.  They don't see the man who does so little for himself because there is no time.  They don't see this amazing man that I married and AM SO BLESSED to have.  He is not perfect, but he is so much more than I could have ever hoped or wished for... I'm so happy I placed my wishes in prayers and that Heavenly Father was gracious enough to grant that prayer. We have already overcome so much adversity.  I look back on things we have endured and wondered how we were able to get through that.  Heavenly Father, always.  He has always made a way.  He has always provided a means and has never left us.  There may have been times where I left Him.  Where I freaked out or just decided to be mad or anxious or sad... but He never left me.  And was always waiting when I had gotten over my temper tantrum and turned to Him.  He never scolded or chided me as I often catch myself doing to Bella.  He had open arms filled with love and forgiveness and I strive each day to be more like Him, to love and parent the way He does to me.  I am so grateful for my husband.  More than words can ever express.  I could look at our life and be upset, to see trial after trial with no end in sight. Instead I try to be grateful.  To see what we do have.  To see how strong we are.  To see God's hand in our daily life. To see His works and see how He is working through us.

Like I said, bad things happen.  Bad things happened over two weeks ago.  We lost our child.  We lost our daughter, and I'm still not over it.  I haven't cried in over a week until I started writing this.  I miss her.  Bella prays for her little sister in every prayer.  It doesn't matter what time we say prayer or why we are saying prayer, she always talks about her baby sister. Bella :" ... and please bless my baby sister, we are grateful for my baby sister.  I miss her.  Please bless that she will feel loved and will be protected and have a good day with Jesus and the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father.  Please help her have a fun day.  Please let us see her again. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

Bella has a heart of gold, the purest spirit I have ever known.  She loves with everything that she has.  She is so forgiving.  She, she is what Christ meant when he said "Be like unto a child."  I am so grateful she loves me in my imperfections.  And even though a bad thing happened to our family.  I am grateful that more bad things haven't happened to our family.  Because there are a lot worse things that can happen.  Bad things happen to everyone.

 It only affects us or makes us pause to think when it happens specifically to us or someone we know, and even when it's someone we know... we feel bad, we feel sorry for them, we offer to help, but we are just happy that it didn't happen to us, that it's not our burden to bare.  And I get that.  At first I was mad at people who said the wrong thing, or didn't seem to understand the pain I was going through.  But now that I am over the worst of it (at least for now) I can see clearer, I to react the same way when I hear bad news from someone else.  I hate it for them , but my life goes on.  And there's will too.

I am so grateful for my family.  They help me to understand so much about my Savior, Jesus Christ, and His love for me.  His love for my family.  Bella, she forgives so freely and never judges me. She may say "I don't love you, you're not my friend, and I don't like your feelings."  But thats just the toddler, it lasts but a moment.  When I lost my patience or my temper with her, her response will resolve with "Do you forgive me, Mommy?"  She isn't mad at me, she just loves me.  And I'd like to say I have it all figured out or have all the answers or even the slightest clue as what I am doing as a mother, but I don't.  I fail more than I succeed.  I complain more than I should.  I spend my day smelling poop, changing poopy diapers, smelling like poop or even looking like poop.  I let my kids drink soda and I can't always promise that a vegetable gets eaten or even served at dinner sometimes.  I have gone days without showering.  There are times I want to lock myself in a closet and just eat a box of cookies when I have two little ones crawling all over my lap when I'm trying to do something else that I really don't care to do in the first place.  There are moments I just want to cry or scream I am so tired and frustrated with my lack of parenting ability and it all seems to be going wrong all at the same time.  I feel like I would have more success banging my head into a brick well than getting Bella to put her shoes on when needing to be at an appointment.  And after writing all this some may wonder, WHY!  Why would you do this?  You sound miserable.  And you know what, part of being a mom, and a stay at home mom at that, IS absolutely miserable.  It's downright terrible at times!  ( gasp ) Yes, I said it!  It's exhausting and underappreciated.  BUT I love it.  I love my children.  I know that I am doing a work far beyond any reward I could be given in this life.  I get to love them and teach them and fail completely at times, only to be greeted with unconditional love.  I am doing the Lord's work because He is helping me raise my children.  They would not be this wonderful without that help,  All three of my children!  I have such pride in them, and love for them.  I know that my little angel in Heaven is just as busy as these guys down here.  She is part of a greater work and she is watching over me and even though my arms still ache to hold her.  To see her, to tell her how much I truly love her and how I would have done anything for her.  How I would have protected her.  I know I will be able to do that, one day.