She was no different. She had a spirit, a purpose. One so pure she need not endure this life of trials. I am privledged to have been able to give her a body. That's the only explanation I have for why have endured this trial. Why we were given hope with a heartbeat that is no longer there. She had already beat the odds by getting that far and perhaps that is all that was needed.
I know the church doesn't have much to offer on the topic of miscarriage. And it is needed to be 20 weeks until they can be recorded in church records. But I do know about eternal families. I know that Mitchell and I were sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. Bella and Ronan were born under that covenant and although she did not have the privledge of a proper birth, I know her Spirit watches over me. I know I will see her again and she is waiting for me.
Some people might say, it was so early, you never knew her to miss her. This whole pregnancy has been a rollercoaster. I was pregnant for 11 weeks even though she only developed to slightly under six weeks. But I can promise you that although I was not able to make actual memories with her I have memories of hope for the life she may have had. For the sister Bella and Ronan would have had and loved. She was real to me. To our family. And our loss is real. The pain is real. But there will be no funeral as there is no body to bury, but we have planned a memorial for our family to honor her. My heart aches for Mitch who has been so strong for me. He is hurting for the child he didn't get to hold. I love him so much and pray for his comfort.
We have been blessed with support of so many friends and wonderful family. Heavenly Father has blessed us immensely. When others may turn away from God, I have cleaved closer to him and my Savior. I know that through the Atonement, we will be healed. I know through our covenants, our family will be reunited one day. I have faith and am so happy that I can say that I have been able to go through this with faith and not fear. Maybe I have been prepared for this moment from day one. Maybe I will fall apart tomorrow when it all sinks in or I bleed again or I see a baby or the many pregnant ladies in our ward.... That I used to be one of. When I thought I lost her the last time, I would just cry without warning and then have periods of beingokay. Maybe I will just be at peace.
I know that one of the reasons I am experiencing this is to help with other's burdens that may have to endure a similar trial. I can see no other reason we as women endure this cruel event. Because I did not understand it before my experience. I now know the pain and devastation it causes where before I dismissed as a sad and unfortunate event... And merciful that it happened sooner than later. But now I have experienced it I hope others can forgive my ignorance and I will be allowed to help someone else through this experience as so many people have reached out to me.
We have felt your prayers and we have felt your love. It has helped us endure this time and held up our heavy hearts. I know that without the gospel of Jesus Christ and my testimony of the truthfulness of the Restored church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I would be lost. It is my rock and I know my cries are not in vain. They are heard. My Heavenly Father is with me. He loves me and will help me find healing. I will be stronger because of this and my testimony added upon. I will continue in faith.
The following details are for my memory but I do not mind sharing, in hopes it may help another.
Today I tried my best to clean so that when Mitch got home he could feel peace. Ronan was needing to be held as he had just gotten over the stomach bug( or so we thought). And I wasn't as productive as I would have liked. I would stop as needed to console him or try to make him laugh. I took breaks to put him down for nap and feed the babies lunch. I paused for Bella and I to have some one on one time as she painted my toe nails and we talked about silly and precious things. I went back to cleaning as we still have not recovered from moving in and we were planning a party for Ronan this Saturday and would need to have room for our guests. There was much to do. I was being careful to rest as needed to follow doctors orders. We read books together and played peek a boo and by then I felt like I had accomplished a great deal. I was utterly exhausted by 4 so I convinced everyone we needed a nap. I held my babies close and we slept for two hours. As we woke up and started moving around, I got dinner ready for Bella and held Ronan as he was still a little fussy. He eventually settled on playing peek a boo with keeping the blanket over his head and Bella ate cereal for dinner and I was happy she was happy with what I "made" for dinner. Since they were occupied, I tried to pick up few last things on the floor so it didn't look like a war zone when he got home. He would be so proud of me and I was eager to show off my hard work. I went into the kitchen to wash a bottle when I felt a gush. I'm on progesterone so it wasn't uncommon for some "squirmy happenings" but this was different. There was no pain but I knew it was blood before I even checked. I immediately ran to te bathroom crying. I called Mitch's mom to come over and then I called Mitch to come home right away. I broke down crying because I knew I was losing the baby. But then I stopped and tried to focus on the positive, maybe I just did too much today and I popped some blood vessels. I've overreacted before. I then went into prep mode. Getting the kids ready and their needs met. Bella and Ronan and I all knelt down in prayers and Bella asked Heavenly Father to bless that the baby would feel better and He would take care of her. I selfishly wanted to keep her but she had fought so hard for for the progress she had made, butI didn't want her to suffer on my account. I changed my prayers to requests of comfort and peace and His will, not mine be done. I think its the hardest prayer I have ever spoken. This whole situation started in His hands and that's also where they would end but I cannot imagine a Better place for them to be. Shortly after Mitch's mom was here and I was showing her around and the things she might need. I was calm with things I could control. I could take care of my kids needs, I could offer my guest a beverage and ask if she needed anything. May seem crazy to someone on the outside looking in, but it gave me a purpose and a distraction.
Mitch came home and cuddles the kids and then we left after Bella have us hugs and kisses then she grabbed my tummy and kissed the baby and have her a hug and told the baby, I hope you feel better. And we left. I just love Bella's heart.
We drive solemnly and prayed and held hands the whole drive. Before we went inside, Mitch gave me a blessing. I walked in the hospital with our hands intertwined. When I walked in, we saw the missionaries in the waiting room as it brought us peace. It was like Heavenly Father was reminding us He is here.
After blood work and tests and four bottles of water later I was ready for an ultrasound. After all the discussion prior to the ultrasound was grim, we kept hope. Before they took us back for ultrasound, Mitch's mom called to check on us and also inform us Ronan had thrown up all over himself, her, Bella and the bed. I tried to navigate her the best I could and then they called us back for the ultrasound. My heart was torn between the baby I had in present life and the one fighting inside me for a future life. She didn't have to fight hard.
The ultrasound tech was so much nicer than the ER doctor. She had to call in a second opinion because of the abnormalities. I spent a long time on the table and I know it wasn't a good sign, but I kept talking. I wanted to try to make the conversation is easy as possible in a very awkward situation. There was no blood flow through the placenta. There was no heartbeat and she did not grow at all since last ultrasound over three weeks ago. She let us see the pictures even though that isn't technically allowed. Our fears were confirmed. We had lost our little girl. It was clear. But they still had to wheel me back on the gurney to my room where we waited forever for the doctor to confirm coldly what we already knew. While waiting we cried together, tried to make each other laugh. Called family to let them know. We just sat in silence together. It hurt to see Mitch so upset. About that time Mitch's mom called to tell us Ronan has an explosive tummy ache, was on his second bath and third set of Jammie's! I felt so bad but was grateful she wa there to take care of my baby. It's just a lot going on. The doctor told me to go home and wait to finish the miscarriage. Because by that point and even now, there is no more bleeding. I will call my OB in the morning to schedule a D&C so I can finally have closure. We waited even longer to be discharged and then finally got to leave hand in hand.
We stopped to grab a bite to eat then headed home to our babies. We held them close and even now as I write this my sleeping pill won't take over so I can drift away for a little bit. I know I still have to process it all but I don't want to right now. For now, she is still there and it gives me a little comfort.
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