It's not over.

Eventhough I'm no longer pregnant, as in there is no longer a baby growing inside of me, my body has not gotten the memo somehow.  Maybe I've been so busy with taking care of my kids and focusing on them that it somehow just overlooked that very big fact.  Because I'm scatterbrained like I'm pregnant.  I look in the mirror and I'm still showing as I would in early pregnancy.  Which is depressing because I'm not pregnant so I just look like I have a beer gut but I don't drink alcohol.  And I can't work out until the doctor clears me so there is a daily reminder of what's not there.  My body is still recovering from the surgery and that could partially be the lack of rest because I want to get back in the game and go. go. go.  But my body doesn't want to hear it.  An hour of activity, and I pay for it later, just as I would with a pregnancy.

Another fun thing that happened today, as I was cleaning I went to put some toy back in the play kitchen, when there it was.  The ultrasound pictures from the day we found out you weren't there, the first time we would be told we would miscarry, but then you beat the odds and proved them wrong, even for just a moment.  I asked for the picture, to solidify your existence.  To treat this as a normal pregnancy, even if it wasn't.  I wanted to cry and get upset tonight, but instead I threw myself into creating.  I made wrapping paper for your big brother's birthday party tomorrow.  And then wrapped the other presents.  I'm going to decorate a smash cake tonight.  I made chocolate dipped pretzels and rolled them in sprinkles for the horns for his "Monster cake".  I finally finished the wreath that I've been working on for two months because they were backordered on the ribbon I needed and had to wait for forever for it to come in!  And then I drove roundtrip, an hour, to get it so I could finish it.  I have been creating.  Because eventhough I created you, my body wouldn't let me finish.  I know because there was flaw in my body, maybe a flaw in your body, and I question why when I know babies are given to people with imperfect bodies.  And I thought about that alot with you.  If you did survive this pregnancy, I knew there would be complications.  And maybe as strong as everyone thinks I am, I'm really not that strong.  I mean, I can get so frustrated sometimes when Bella doesn't listen to me to put her socks and shoes on.  How would I react with a child that couldn't communicate and needed my attention 24/7.  And I would do it alone because Mitch would be in school.  Is that why?  And I really try not to think of "why" too much because "why" can drive me crazy in so many situations.  I somehow feel if my house is perfectly clean or if I create these wonderful and beautiful things, if I can do all the things a super mom and perfect wife does, it will bring you back.  As if in someway if I was perfect, you could come back to me.  If I was good enough, there would be a special exception and this would all be a bad dream and I get to bring you home.

But I know it won't happen.  No matter how good I am or how perfect I try to be or how clean my house is, it won't bring her back.  Food doesn't taste the same, life isn't as sweet, and I just feel lost.  I am able to distract myself but eventhen with all the distractions.  I have to sleep.  And sleep doesn't come easy.  And sometimes it just doesn't come at all, in instance of tonight.  Sometimes I'm scared to dream.  Sometimes I just want to sleep forever.  I hold Ronan alot and Bella.  I take time to really just be with them, to be present.  I try not to think about losing them too.  I just try to enjoy every moment.  It's made me a lot more gentle and kind and patient.  I don't want to waste a moment being mad or frustrated.  Tired, I can't help.  But the other things I can control.

My faith hasn't wavered, but we all have weak moments.  And right now, I just feel weak.  I just want to hold her.  I just feel like if I could hug her like my other children I could be okay.  I could wrap my arms around her and cuddle her, just once.  To give her something to hold on to until we are together again.  And I'm sure she is being held by her family members that have gone before us.  I'm sure she is so loved and is helping watch over her siblings.  It just feels like something she would do.

I miss you little girl, so much.  Until we meet again.