There are a few reasons. I've experienced some times of anger, anxiety, depression and down right moodiness. Not the entire time I've been gone but anytime I remembered to blog I was one of those things. And I make it a point not to blog while under severe negative feelings lest I can't control myself and post the nastiness on the world wide web. Let's face it, even if I was to post it and then delete, there's a technological hard copy somewhere in cyber space and I don't think you would like me very much anymore if you really knew how crazy I was. So you're welcome in advance.
Also, I think the whole blogging thing went to my head a little bit. You'd be lying to yourself if you don't like seeing comments on your blog. We are a little egotistical that way and I feel like my head just got a little inflated and my perspective got out of whack. I'm not a narcissist, I just appreciate attention like the next gal. And since I feed off of positive feedback (being a stay at home mom has decreased that verbal acknowledgement of successes that were provided to me in the work force... I'm a people pleaser, praise is my own little crack addiction... to excel in my endeavor and make someone happy. Given, Bella is one happy little girl and I receive my praise in hugs and kisses and little giggles, I do miss the "good jobs" and other influential banter.) I was becoming sort of a blogger whore?!?! Is that an actual term? Maybe junkie was better, I don't think I was soliciting sex. ANYWAYS, I guess I felt like I actually had the ability to change lives and people cared what I thought. And not that they didn't, because I've had random people come up to me before and say I really like what you said in that one blog or this really inspired me. Which was awesome, and I'm glad I could do that but the reality, I have absolutely no authority whatsoever. I have no degree. I'm not any more important than anyone else. I guess I got away from the whole purpose of blogging and I needed to take a break to see this for what it is. An outlet for my thoughts and things I feel are important (which it always has been) but my motive has changed in the sense, I'm not doing it to impact others or get the most comments. Don't get me wrong, if these thing spontaneously occur, AWESOME but I'm not setting that as my goal anymore. So that's another reason for my hiatus.
And yet another, that always gets me... I've just been reading others blogs. It's been entertaining, its mind numbing at times (which I so desperately need sometimes) and I enjoy it. I love hearing about people's lives (that I know) because GASP! I'm a horrible person and hardly pick up the phone to call those I care about... I just read your blogs. Which sometimes also contributes to the first reason I haven't been blogging. Some of your blogs are so trendy or cute and I feel inadequate. Or some of you just have it all together, and I don't feel like I do, and get down on myself. I totally covet others lives sometimes, and I need to do some serious repenting on that front, but at least I'm honest. I think that's where the internet can be a bad thing. Yes we are able to communicate and keep up with others lives at amazing speeds and outlets thanks to FB and Blogger, Twitter, etc., but the kicker is, we only see the lives, people want us to see. So it's really easy to have false interpretations of the lives these people live. They're imperfect just like me and have struggles, but when insomnia hits and all you see are gorgeous pics and status updates of how fun their life is, it's easy to get sucked in to an unhealthy mind frame. I make it a point not to blog or FB while in an upset state, not saying it doesn't happen, but it's my goal. So it might lead to the illusion everything is fine (because it's not official unless its on FB... haha) but in reality, I'm going through things too. So in a nutshell, I'm going to blame it on you too, because you keep blogging and I keep reading. I'll break the cycle one day.
And lastly, I've become more social. I have a girls night once, sometimes TWICE a week and I'm loving it. I'm totally socially handicapped and I'm not sure how long my new friendships will last until they realize how annoying I am and decided to go back to the way things were, but I'm enjoying it now. I've just never been that great at multiple meaningful relationships, especially with the members of the same sex. I don't necessarily fear them anymore like I did in high school, but it's a thin line to walk sometimes. It's really nice to just kick back and be a part of a group of women and have fun. It's something I haven't done in forever and I'm loving it.
I've also honed in on some of those cleaning skills I always lament about. The MIL has taught me a lot and crazy as it sounds it's working for us. I'm a lot happier being organized (Don't get me wrong, as I'm writing this, my room is a wreck but everything else is clean) and I can tell a difference in our home. Focusing on the family, has helped occupy my time too :) I'll spare you the rest of the messy details.
But in short, I'm back. Whether your hear to read or not. If you are, I'm so happy to have you. If not, it will still be here if you change your mind.
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| Here's a little snapshot from the 4th of July. I won't be deceitful and promise a post about this that will never happen. |
Ashley, I agree with the internet being a little misleading at times. Really, I think many people would agree with you. Not many people are going to volunteer the most negative aspects of their life- so we see mostly the good...which in turn makes others lives seem better, at times, then our own (especially when we are having a bad moment). I think its normal to feel that way. Thats how satan gets us. He uses good tools to try to bring us down. In those times just remember you are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI'm also glad we've been able to get together and hang out. I love having girl nights and I'm look forward to the many more!
Also, I would never tag you as "socially handicap". You are the sweetest thing since Rhonda's blow pops! haha!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone who blogs feels this way sometimes. The best blogs are those where the people are just honest. Interestingly enough, one of the blogs I often look at and think, "wow, they are perfect!" is Rockstar Diaries. So, it was funny when this was the post I saw today: http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com/2011/08/its-home-not-museum-right.html OMG!!!!!! Holy mess....and FAR from perfect, but as Taza blogs "it's home, not a museum". See? Beauty is in the everyday; in the ups and the downs. People get bored with perfection, so it's refreshing to read your honest take on it all. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteIt's so true! I hear from people all the time about how they love my blogs, but nobody comments and it does get a little disappointing. And I almost never post anything anymore because i hardly see the people who read them. I'm also a blog addict, where I read other blogs more often than I post on my own. You are not alone! Luv ya!
ReplyDeleteOh, Ashley, I love reading your blog, but I don't comment very often. I actually love reading lots of blogs, but rarely do I comment on any of them.
ReplyDeleteI really just wanted you to know that there are people out there that read your blog and care about you. I know it's difficult to only see the good things that people write about, but trust me when I say that's only half of their lives.
I try to only blog when I'm in a positive mood. I don't want to remember my arguments or problems, I want to remember the good things in my life, and that is what my blog is to me.
So know that LOTS of other people are having problems right now. There will be many ups and downs in your life, but I think many people are experiencing the down side right now. So know that you are not alone and you have many people who love and care about you. Lean on them when you need them most and don't be too hard on yourself. xoxo
I think it's good to take a break sometimes. Otherwise I start to feel that I'm having experiences only to blog about them and forget to live my life for it's sake alone. I'm going to blog about that sometime!! Please feel free to drop by whenever you're feeling blue. We always love a visit!
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