Well after the most recent post, I felt very strongly to share my impressions with them. So since I spent a better part of two hours writing this, thus why I am in pain, I am going to copy and paste my comment here, because wait for it..... it WAS FOUR pages long, I have got to get some credit for an actual blog post, I am so behind! But with two little ones, free time has become a four letter word. So without further introduction, here is my post:
"I know you don't know me personally and I really only know **** by association with *****, but I have found you blog extremely interesting and read it as I can. I've been keeping up with your "faith crisis" and while I have had thoughts or comments, I've kept them to myself, because being almost a complete stranger I felt it would be weird to comment on something so personal. With that said, I also wanted to bring something to the table.
I don't hold a degree from any college or university, and some might find me simple and plain. Which is fine with me. I also don't expect anything I say to change or sway your faith crisis... because it yours and its personal to you. But I would be very remiss if I didn't share what's on my mind. From what I have read, your family seeks out knowledge and is very endowed in that area, speaking Arabic is very impressive. I can also appreciate wanting to "know" the "truth" and searching out those things. I myself have experienced a "faith crisis" more so life crisis from 16-20 but I've always known the church was true. I may not have practiced my faith but I knew it was true.... I even tried to distance myself from it and decided it was my body and I was an adult and I could make my own decisions, ETC... Well I went to other churches, searched other things, and I was miserable. Obviously not in a short amount of time. I even tried not to feel the Spirit but when I was doing things that I really shouldn't be doing, I'd feel a "tug" so to speak and eventually that "tug" got too loud to ignore. This really seems the opposite of your experience. I had been taught to be wary of some of the actions I was taking. Now I didn't die, and there was really no permanent physical damage to my body, the world didn't end. But it could have. I missed out on a lot of blessings and spiritual growth, I endured a lot of un-needed hardships and pain. I'm grateful I was able to repent through his Atonement and be made clean again. I have a testimony of this, because I no longer feel guilt for my actions and I know that my Father, not my bishop, has forgiven me. I know that the Atonement works.
I was inactive and I didn't even realize it. I went to church, participated in the primary programs you referred to (PS. Your comments haven't offended me) and my parents taught me the fundamentals for going to church, reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and paying my tithe. My point is, with the church, and your views on how the teach fundamental truths to your children, in my opinion, is not a bad thing. I can assure you, they are not seeking the detriment you found in the program, but even if that were the case... they have free agency. Just like you. At the end of the day, the church can teach and preach and send out all kinds of information and stories of testimony and good feelings, BUT at the end of the day, YOU choose what to believe and how to act. Molly Mormon, I'm not but I do have a testimony of His church. Not because someone made me or brainwashed me or reached out to me and said you really need to come back to church. But I made the decision after searching for something that I thought made me happy or I had control over because I don't. I came back to church because I felt empty and I was missing something. I prayed and cried and reached out to my Father, I needed it so bad, and I felt like I had gone so far away I could never come back... but I decided I was going to go back to church because I knew it was true... and if I had to sit alone in that chapel, with no one talking to me and people judge me for my actions, I did not care because I knew that's where I was supposed to be. Sure other churches can be considered more fun and lively and the people are equally nice there, but for me, I could not feel the spirit completely.
Now I understand, I have had a very unique experience, more faith based than the intellect you seek. My husband often tells me I more fully understand the "Mercy" side of things than the "Justice" but thankfully that burden doesn't fall on my shoulders. Because I know there is a God and we are all children of God. We may call Him different things, or all believe different things about Him, but that doesn't change the fact that He exists or He loves us any less. I consider myself very conservative but that doesn't mean I hate gay people or that I'm a slave to my husband. This also doesn't mean that you won't encounter ignorant people within the church. I think if you would examine the fundamentals the church was and is founded on, you would see the message or truth you're looking for, is right there. It talks about in the beginning of the Book of Mormon, about the gospel being simple and true. I believe that with all my heart. If you look to the simple things about the gospel, you will see that they are true. When you start to complicate them or dissect them, you lose sight of that. I am going to have to respectfully disagree about the primary program you mentioned in sacrament. Of course our children can't fully understand the concepts, so we teach them the simple ones. As we progress in the gospel we can understand things that are more in depth. Your comment about "if you met God and could ask him about taking the life of another to justify the means, and you could honestly say you would walk away from that God", it makes me sad. But I also know, that if you truly did meet God (let's say in the next life) and you felt His love, I find comforting in knowing it would be extremely hard to deny him because you would have a perfect recollection of all things, thus nulling your now, faith crisis. And I'm probably getting too personal for something that's not personal (ie, not my faith crisis) so I'll back off that topic. But what I am trying to get at is this, there are some things in this life, we just cannot know. It's impossible to know everything. And sometimes in the pursuit of this knowledge, we become bigger than the problem, we become so complicated in our thoughts or ideas and what we think we know, we cannot find the solution. I'm not saying you are wrong for anything you are doing, like I said I am very simple and because of that, life is slightly less complicated for me. I am satisfied in having faith because I have gained my testimony through experiences that are personal to me and that faith cannot be shaken now.
I had a really neat experience with my daughter (she's 2), I was hot gluing some items on to a bag for her as she told me where she wanted them to go. After we were done with our craft I unplugged the glue gun and rested it on her shiny coloring book. I told her the glue gun was hot and not to go near that area because she could slip and burn herself on the hot metal tip. I was nursing my son, and watching her from the rocker about three feet away. She went over to where I told her not to and slowly but surely inched her foot closer to the glue gun. I reminded her again to move away from that area so that she didn't get hurt. She then looked and placed her foot which was covered with a sock on top of the book... inches away from the hot, metal tip of the glue gun. At this point, I reminded her again, but told her if she got burnt it was her own fault. And she didn't get burnt, I realize the situations of a soft sock on a slippery coloring book with a glue gun on it doesn't have to equal disaster, but I also know it's not the best idea. Sometimes, Heavenly Father sets guidelines for our protection, not because the action would result in our eminent demise. I love my child and of course, want what is best for her. I can tell her things and try to guide her, but she will do what she wants in the end. Does that mean I should just give up trying to parent? Absolutely not.
So I understand you are on your path to gaining a testimony of whatever it is that you are seeking and I know that you will find something. I wanted to reach out to you as a REAL person, who does have a testimony of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but does not have a personal investment in your testimony (ie, friends/family) and share things I've been impressed with reading your blog post.. I know that regardless of your choice, whether God exists or not, and if He does in fact, exist, is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, really His church the "true" church, He does exist and He will never give up on you because you are His child. I'm not telling you what to believe and you are doing exactly what you are supposed to, searching out the truth. Just be careful how far you go, when you seek out things and don't approach with a spiritual state of mind, you can often get lost in your pursuit of faith, using intellect. There are just some things in our life we can't know. Our minds cannot comprehend it in this life, ie the story of Nephi killing Laban. I struggled with that story too, but I accept my Heavenly Father's plan and understand that if that act did not occur, generations of people would suffer... ie why I can't judge with mercy and justice, it's not my place. Essentially, even though we are adults, we are still Hiis children and even the most intellectual people don't have 10% of the knowledge God does. So we are like little children learning from our parents how to navigate this life, much like our children are looking to us. And if you think about it like this, it makes a lot of sense why you are experiencing this. Because sure He could tell you and I can tell you, but you have to figure it out for youself. You may get burned or you might escape unscathed, I'm going to root for the latter consequence. And In the end, it's really going to all boil down to faith and all of the intellect in the world cannot explain faith. You either have it or you don't. It's an extremely hard concept to grasp, but it's worth the effort.
It says in the scriptures that "There will be some that know and that have a desire to believe and even if you have a desire to believe" that will be enough. Sometimes, all you can offer is a desire to believe and Heavenly Father might not answer that request immediately. Similar to my glue gun story, he may only warn us a few times because he lets us figure it our on our own. It doesn't mean he doesn't love us, just means he's a parent, Even the strictest parent can't make us do things.
I'm sorry this post is so long and I'm also sorry if this came off the wrong way. I'm a sleep deprived mom of two now and thoughts often get jumbled but I felt strongly to share this with you. I know I talked a lot about my feelings but the church isn't all "feel good feelings". Sometimes you go to church and you don't leave with a life changing experience or good feelings. Sometimes, it's what you put into it, that you take away from it. Sometimes you prepare fully and still don't get what you seek right away. For all those scenarios, I've always concluded the church was true of my personal experiences over and over throughout my life, I cannot deny those. I wish you the best in your faith crisis and hope you find what you are seeking. It's personal, and touchy and wrapped with emotions for you and your family and those you love and I commend you for standing firm in what your beliefs are and not bowing to pressure. While I know my views may differ from yours, they come from a place of love and understanding, much like you mentioned about the UU church. For me, the other churches left to many gaps where I feel our church fills them in. I may have stepped away from the church to find "myself" but I don't think I was ever so lost. When I, not someone pushed me, but I decided to come back on my own accord, I have never felt so whole or complete or been so happy. Almost six years later, through many,many trials, I feel just as strongly that the church is true and it's where I belong. It's where I am happy and safe and loved and cannot deny my testimony of the gospel. Notice, I didn't say the testimony of "the people and friends that I go to church with make me happy and complete and whole, but the gospel." We can argue what is right and what is wrong all day, and the specifics can be debated, but what we cannot argue is that there has to be a RIGHT and a WRONG. The key is to remember that in your search. I'm sorry you are going through a struggle and I hope you come out of it, stronger than you were before. Wishing the best for you and your family,
Ashley Howe"
Now that my shoulder is screaming "I hate you", I'm going to bed.
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