1. I've been married almost four years and have one child, with another on the way! ( Sept. 6th will make it officially FOUR... but who's counting when you've got eternity ahead of you) and of that time Mitchell has been the primary cleaner upper forgo this past month. Literally, I haven't cleaned unless absolutely necessary or forced to do so minus a few moments of insanity where I decided I was going to clean and then got discouraged and just gave up. Don't get me wrong, we weren't wallowing in filth and I don't believe mold ever started growing anywhere but it wasn't just limited to my home, my car as well was always a wreck. It would get clean (when Mitch couldn't stand it anymore) but I wouldn't maintain it and then would get overwhelmed and the cycle would start all over again. During this whole process, Mitch was very understanding. I say that, but I know my lack of "housekeeping" skills as you would call them did put a stress on our marriage. Even though he never came out and said those exact words, I now understand, that it did.
I'm not exagerating the whole cleaning issues, you can ask my husband, I looked on several websites trying to diagnose myself because this couldn't be normal. I of course liked to be clean, but I would get overwhelmed when things were messy and just go to another room or leave the messy area and move to a cleaner one. It was like I was physically incapable of cleaning. But there was no diagnosis or documented cases. I was at a loss, but eventhough I knew there was a real problem, I had absolutely no drive or desire or even the willpower to accomplish medial cleaning tasks. So what did I do? I prayed. And prayed hard. Prayed for desire and will power and the strength... to clean. What brought this about? I saw myself getting frustrated with everyday life, feeling inadequate as human being, especially as a wife and mother, I was depressed, I felt distant from my husband and felt like we were at a stand still in our religious progression and our relationship as husband and wife. I didn't like who I was as a person. There's a lot going on there and a lot that needed to change. But I didn't know what to do or where to start, so that's where I started with the prayer. I had a sincere desire to improve my family life. And I couldn't do it myself so I asked my Father in Heaven for help, for the desire to clean. It talks about in the Bible to keep a house of order, a house of prayer, a house of fasting, etc. And so I thought order was the best place to start. I realized I am in a position to have great influence over my family and their well being. That influence does not come from nagging or demanding change, but changing myself in a way that I can be in tune with the Spirit and lose myself in service to my family. And from that, your change will effect change in others.
2. I'm not perfect, not claiming to be, and not trying to present myself in that way. I'm just trying to share what I've learned to maybe help someone else struggling with similar problems. Cleaning may not be your down fall but may be there is something else that is preventing you from having a better life for yourself and your family. If you came over to our humble abode, you wouldn't see anything like a picture from Crate & Barrell but there is a good amount of order, the floors are clean, everything has a place and for the most part laundry is done and put away.
3. Our situation is not a common one, we live with our in laws (my husband's parents). This has been a challenge in itself but one that I would not trade for the world, as I have learned so much and it's been a wonderful experience. That doesn't mean it's always been easy but it has most definitely been worth it. My husband is in school, he has been since we were married. We moved in with our in-laws so that I could be a stay at home mom, it was something we decided our family could not afford not to do. I am grateful that we have this opportunity because due to different circumstances, our financial income continues to decrease but the Lord provides, and we may not have been able to survive without this blessing. My husband works in landscaping, which is hard manual labor in unpleasant climates and he does this everyday. He leaves early in the morning works all day, then leaves for class at night, and then we get to see him briefly at night. He never complains but is always tired and has very little time to do things he enjoys. He truly is devoted to our family and has never asked more of me than to do my best, whatever that may be. So to RECAP: live with in-laws, Husband full time school/ work (aka never home), financial income=limited, very few possessions that we "own", I'm a stay at home mom so time is limited and yet, after making these changes, whatever time we do have is uplifting and makes us happy.
4. I have always said, I didn't want to be a wife that was a slave to her husband, but I will serve my husband. I realized, I wasn't serving my husband anywhere near what he was doing to serve me. As I have progressed through this journey I see my perspective (of aforementioned "slavery) was warped when I saw other women perform some of the tasks, that I now do. I have learned that when we truly serve and lose ourselves in that service we are better able to show our love for our spouse, which believe it or not, will help improve your relationship with your children. It's amazing the domino effect these small changes have improved our life.
With all that out of the way, let's get to the nitty gritty. This is what I did and what worked for our family. This is a two-part mission, a journal of such for me, and hopefully a helpful source of information for someone else.
Like I stated before, I was really unhappy with who I was, I was struggling in my marriage to feel happy and I was seriously struggling with my toddler with frustration. She is an awesome kid, but looking back, I don't see how either one of us survived. Bedtime could never come soon enough and wake up came too soon. I felt like a horrible mother and at times, just wanted to give up. Given I've been pregnant, with not the easiest pregnancy and there is a recipe for disaster or destruction. On top of that, our home was a wreck. I guess the two situations kind of mirrored each other and I felt like things were spiraling out of control. I felt like I change needed to be made, quite a few actually and I was so overwhelmed and didn't know where to start. So I got down on my knees and prayed... really talked to my Heavenly Father, shed a few tears, and just asked for the even the desire to change or to clean, to get my life in order. I know this sounds incredibly simple but it was something I needed so bad. And my prayers were anwsered. I was blessed with this incredible desire to clean and get organized for my family. It took me a few weeks but I was able to complete it all. I wish I would have taken before and after pictures. It really is incredible. And I know it wasn't the nesting instinct that kicks but truly a miracle and answered prayers. The prayer was simple, and the blessing was simple but the impact has been huge.
Here are some of the changes I have made since the good thorough cleaning:
- I've maintained it...WHOOPEE!
- I try to do laundry on Monday and Thursdays. and try never to spend more than the morning on chores, that was I'm spending time with Bella.
- I (try) to layout my husband's work clothes for him each day so that he can have them ready when he needs them (this also allows me to know when I need to do more laundry)
- Mitch has a short window of time to come home, shower, and head to school. Because of this, I always try to have a clean towel, rag with clean underwear on the countertop of the bathroom, waiting for him. Again this is a try, if it doesn't happen, No Big Deal
- I haven't gotten where dinner is ready when he gets home, but he's home early afternoon or late evening with class, so I just try to have food waiting for him when he comes home.
- I make our beds. Everyday. If nothing else, this gets done. You'd be surprised what a difference that alone can make in your life and I know he really appreciates it.
- I spend more time with my daughter and less time on the computer, documenting our life (thus decrease in blogging/ finishing posts)
- I go to bed when my husband does, instead of staying up and watching TV or doing things on the computer.
- I've given up on going to eat lunches and trying to conserve money which has helped lift our financial burdens
- I made a meal plan... haven't exactly stuck to it, but its great to have for a reference and adjust as need be.
- I try to take over with Bella when Mitch needs to study, even if that means I don't get a "break" that day
- I don't force Bella to take naps anymore, at that has been a huge weight lifted off my stressed shoulders.
- I've (tried) to take care of my appearance and if nothing else, Sunday's are my make up/ dress up days. I make Sunday a special day and try to make sure my family gets as much as they can from it spiritually.
- I take a break when I need it and I don't feel bad. Because you will need it and you deserve it. There should be balance in all things.
- I've slowed down, I take time to listen to my child and be in the moment and not feel like I need to immediately update my status on FB about the cute thing she did. I don't call as many people while I'm in the car and focus on interacting with her. I take time to just be in the moment, and since I'm more of a maintaining phase, I don't feel guilty about doing it.
- I try to look for ways to simply things
- Prep! I try to prep as much as possible ahead of time
- I look for ways to make things easier for Mitch, be it school or work or whatever else he may need.
- All of these things, I've listed these are all things I've tried, haven't perfected them, still working on them, but feel like they've made huge changes in our life.
- I've looked for teaching experiences with Bella and take the time to communicate and talk with my husband
- If I see something that needs to be done, I do it, whether I made the mess or not. I don't complain or gripe, I just try to help others. period.
- Above all else, I've completely relied on my Heavenly Father and give all my success to Him
- I've REALLY tried not to judge others and try to see them as Children of God and treat them as such
Because of the changes in me, I've seen these changes with my family and also in myself:
- My testimony of families has increased tenfold. I cannot think of a more important element in this life, my family, and all families for that matter and the importance of family life. Families are under attack. Marriage is under attack and I take it very personally now that I see what wonderful blessings come from living your life or even having the desire to live your life with accordance to the gospel.
- I get along so much better with my daughter, we still have our moments but our relationship has grown so much stronger.
- I can actually feel peace in our home, and I have so much joy serving my family. I'm not OCD about the cleaning, but I can tell there is something to be said about a clean enviroment.
- Mitch has been so grateful and willing to help. He takes the time to say thank you and he seems less stressed out. It's not that we have more time together, it's just we are able to enjoy ourselves and the time we do have.
- We seriously have very little when it comes to material things and the stresses of how to do it are great BUT we are happy.
- There is more love and kindness in our home. I feel accomplished by doing these little things for my family.
- Mitch doesn't run out of clean work clothes or clean underwear... can't tell you how often that happened before.
- I feel like I'm moving forward and to a greater goal. I've got a LONG way to go to be the person I want to be but I'm happy with my progress
- Patience is becoming abundant in our home. We are less likely to get frustrated with each other, and if we do, we are quick to forgive
- I'm able to inspired when it comes to raising Bella and assisting Mitch. It's very subtle but I definitely realize the influence in our lives.
- I actually have more free time, which is weird because I never did any of this stuff before and felt like I had no time... I guess time management really does go a LONG way.
- We actually do fun things on Saturday instead of clean all day.
- Domino effect, as I serve Mitch he finds way to serve me.
- I've noticed tender mercies in our life and a greater foundation of faith and love in our family
- I look forward to my husband coming home and hate to see him leave, the feeling is mutual, and that's a great thing
- There have been miscellaneous blessings that I know our a direct result of the actions we've taken, even though its not related.
- Life is so much more enjoyable, for everyone.
One of the sweet experiences that came from all of this change in my life goes as follows:
Yesterday as Bella was jumping on my bed and I was attempting to calm her down and take away the potentially dangerous umbrella she was trying to open away, I explained to her that we could use umbrellas outside, when it rained to protect us from getting wet. I then promised her the next time it rained, I would allow her to use the umbrella if she would give it back to me, so she didn't get hurt. She obliged.
So today we slept in until 10:30 which NEVER happens, but since I've been maintaining, it's not that big of a deal. I quickly got us ready and headed to the park for our normal Tuesday play date. I had invited my Sister in law with her two kids, but completely forgot and doubt that they would show, so I was surprised to get the call they were there just as we were passing the park to go see Mitch and Pop-pop for lunch. It was really a more of just run to see them (Mitch and Pop-pop, since their lunch break is so short and all the way across town) so instead I turned around and we actually spent quite the fun afternoon with them. We've been having some AC issues in our car that we thought was transmission related but actually now believe to be AC related...any ways, on our way to see the new house, I realize my AC is OUT! Thankfully my FIL was able to look at it and play with the fuses and when I started my car again, AC was fine again. And he was able to look at it before the rain, thankfully it was cool so the ride to get to our house wasn't unbearable. Shortly after realizing the car was now working (for now) it started to rain, and I got to followthrough, as promised, with my deal to Bella! I love this because so often I forget to make good on things promised before and I hate that. I'm just very forgetful sometimes and often felt hectic.
Anyways, we came inside and got the umbrella out. She loved using on the porch, and little by little she edged out her hand to feel the rain which led to her walking off the steps with her umbrella and playing in the rain. I could have gone inside and gotten my camera because it would have been the perfect photo shoot. Instead I just sat on the porch, watching my Bella play and experience the rain. Enjoying the moment and relishing in a kept promise. It felt great and it was wonderful to be still in the moment. It started to thunder and that was our cue to head in! Since she was already wet and subsequently, taken a poo in the rain, I decided a bath time was in order. So she was bathed and ready for bed before dinner. I made our beds and tidied up since we had been gone all day and Bella got to watch Blues Clues. I was so excited for Mitch to come home since we hadn't seen each other all day. He called on his way home from class and I simply asked if was interested in some oven baked cookies, which he was obliged. So Bella and I made cookies that went into the oven right when he got home. We met him at the door and Bella sang her "I'm So Glad When Daddy Comes Home" song. She ran up to him like you'd just given her the best present in the world. My family was together again and all felt right in the world. As Mitch sat down to dinner and with Bella on his lap. I gave him a quick shoulder massage, which is not something I normally do but just felt like doing. He was appreciative. As we were waiting for the cookies to bake, we sat down on the floor by the oven and talked about our day.
After I helped Mitch's mom clean up after dinner, we went to Bella's room for our nightly family prayer where Mitch offered to put Bella to bed for me. I said good night to Bella but she really wanted me to put her to sleep. So after leaving and hearing her cry for awhile I came back in to relieve him. I kneeled by her bed, and did "spiders" on her legs, per her request and sang her primary songs to help her go to sleep. Slightly after starting this ritual, Mitch crawled back in the room and as I was singing to Bella he was holding her hand and Ronan was kicking in my tummy to let me know he was there, too. She was still pretty fidgety so instead, as I sang, he massaged my aching back and feet in lieu of holding Bella's hand. It really was the sweetest experience to have my family together, and serving each other. It was such a sweet spirit. It was one of those moments, when all was right with the world. After a good amount of time, Mitch informed me (more so Bella) that I needed to go potty so I could leave and he would take over. Which worked, and the reason I was able to get on here and write this post.
I really was just touched by the moment, which inspired me to write this post. Everyday is not like this and I don't always accomplish all I set out to do, but the main thing is, I'm trying. I'm not perfect. I still get frustrated. I still fall short. But I'm trying to serve my family, I'm trying to serve my Father in Heaven and live His gospel. I'm trying, and that's all you can do. I have seen the great blessings it has had in my life, and it was just a small simple request, that all of these great things have come to pass. I promise when we have righteous desires and we express them to Him with a sincere heart. He will send us aid. If He can find such a trivial request ("help me want to clean") to be important and grant this blessing, imagine what He can do with the "Big Stuff". It's because He loves us and if it is important to us, then it is important to Him. We are His children and there is nothing that we cannot ask from Him. I put my entire Faith in him and I know without the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, I would be lost. I am so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know it is true and has blessed me immensely in my life. It has taught me so much about myself and the importance of family, and I will be forever grateful for that knowledge. I hope if you were looking for something more or a change in your life, that these thoughts might inspire you too.
We may not have much in the worlds standards, but I can tell you right now, in my life, and what is truly important to me, I have it all and I could not ask for more. I love my family and am loved in return. There is peace in our home and I would stop at nothing to protect that. There is no greater joy in this life, than a home where a mother and father love each other, they love their children and they love their Heavenly Father and their Savior, Jesus Christ, and they strive to live the gospel. All we have to do is try.
As awesome as this picture is, we are in no way, a "perfect" family but we are so much closer than we were.
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