Denial.

I went for the ultrasound today.  You weren't there.  I should have seen a gummy bear.  Instead there was a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no baby. There was also a subchronic hematoma being absorbed back into my body.  The nurse tried to say it was normal for implantation but I knew this late in the pregnancy, it only confirmed my fears.

I knew something was wrong.  This whole time it's been at the back of my mind.  I haven't been sick and I'm normally violently sick.  I tried to hold back tears watching the screen.  I should be 8 weeks pregnant but the ultrasound measured me at 5 weeks 4 days.  My heart sank.  I even asked for a picture to try to seem positive and make the pregnancy more real.

Two hours later waiting in the waiting room and the doctors room, just waiting. Waiting all along. The OB came in,  she was so nice.  She explained that the lack of a structure attached to the yolk sac and the swelling of the yolk sac did not make her hopeful.  It was most likely a bad egg and I should start to miscarry in the next week.  She wouldn't be surprised if it occurred before my follow up ultrasound.  My body would just naturally take care of it.

I tried to prepare myself from the start of complications.  It was just tissue but time passed and I dared to hope and dream about my baby.  We started to tell family and close friends.  I'd never had complications before so we even told Bella.  As the doctors words washed over me, I nodded in understanding and thought I took the news really well.  Then I said it out loud to ask a question, " if we do in fact, lose the baby". And I lost it. 

 I wanted you.  I wanted to try again.  I want to be pregnant and all that entails.  I wanted Bella to have her sister and Ronan someone to protect.  You're still inside,  whatever you are.  And it's not I want another baby to replace you,  but I want you.  And it's not possible because you aren't there.

There is nothing I can do.  It's not my fault.  It's God's will.  Nothing is going to make me feel better.

But you're not here.  I guess you never were.  I'm still in denial.  And I will be until it actually happens.

I'm really just lost.  I was so excited, apprehensive, but excited.  I got attached and just like that, it's over.

I cry and then I'm okay and then I cry again.  I know it will be much worse when it actually happens.  I was so sure you were a girl.  I wanted you so badly. And now you are gone.

Mitch had taken the day off so we could celebrate our anniversary, our fifth.  To be honest I planned it that way, just in case. So I wouldn't be alone with the kids.  It really was divine intervention.  The kids were with family all day and he had plans all afternoon.  I tried to be present and enjoy myself with my husband,  its so rare.  I was there but I felt out of body and disconnected.  I didn't want to be touched.  I tried to put my best face forward but mostly I felt numb.  I felt like my emotions were empty.  Even when I smiled it wasn't a real smile.  I just felt so guilty and shock and kept thinking of all the reasons it was my fault.

I played every scenario in my mind.  When I conceived I was drinking a lot of Mountain Dew and taking IB Profen for migraines.  I had no idea I was pregnant. I was about 10 lbs under my notmal weight.  I was under extreme stress.  Mitch and I had a big fight and I had an anxiety attack,  did it happen then?  Was I so absorbed in my own emotions that I couldn't calm down for my baby?  I had doubts of my adequacy and the challenges ahead and would I have Post Partum Depression again but worse this time... Did Heavenly Father see that and take the baby away?  I said I was going to stop reading a book due to content half way through, but then went back and read the last 10 pages to see how it ended.. Is that why?  I picked up Bella and Ronan at the same time when I know shouldn't have been lifting.  I slept on my stomach and both sides,  I know your supposed to sleep on the left or right but I can't remember.  Sometimes I slept on my back and I know that's abig no no too.  I know most of these reasons are completely ludicrous and there is nothing I could do but I am a person that needs to know why.  I keep feeling like its my fault.  What could I have done differently?  It's like I knew because three days prior to my doctors appt,  I didn't take my prenatals and is been taking them daily.  Was that why?

The nausea is gone but now I'm jut waiting to miscarry.  I've been researching because facts make me feel safe.  I like being prepared.  I decided to let in naturally happen.  I've read its painful and there's a lot if blood.  I'm scared.

I feel really depressed like the world is going on around me while my world is crashing down.  I'm losing my baby and

Not one moment is available for it to be acknowledged or to grieve.  I want them to matter.  Mitch is schedule is so crazy I will be alone when it happens as he can't afford to miss.  I'm sure I can call a friend when it happens to help with my little ones.  And I'm sure ill want to be alone but it'll be in that moment I'll need someone the most.  

This has to be the most miserable and emotionally draining experience if my life. The only reason I can think that we as women endure such trials is so that we can help each other through them from experience.  I don't know what I would do without the support of other faithful and strong women who have reached out to me and shared their stories.  Now I just wait.