Hell to Holy in 24 Hours!

***WARNING.... EXTREMELY LONG POST***

Ever have one of those days when you wake up and felt like some one is beating the tar out of you?

Yesterday was that day.  But literally, I woke up to someone beating the daylights out of me, not metaphorically.  Her name is Bella and she is 10 months old.  She doesn't fight fair at all and she is merciless when she is mad.

Yep, that's how  I woke up.  To a screaming baby slapping me in the face, pulling my hair, and when I would protest, she just screamed louder and hit harder.  (this is not observed/ learned behavior, by the way)  To make matters worse, I couldn't move with out hurting.  I ached everywhere.  I was so fatigued it hurt to breathe (I don't believe this is the exact result of said beating by infant)  Trying to console her didn't work either. After restraining the monster, (and I use that term with the utmost positive way) I carried her to her room for a clean diaper and to Baby Einstein we went!  I haven't felt this bad since I had the flu in sixth grade and my brain felt like it was starting to swell.  Since I am a full time Mommy, there is no such thing as calling in sick, so I did the next best thing.  Poured cheerios in her exersaucer tray and queued up Baby Einstein.  I then curled up on the couch (an arm lengths away from Bella) and closed my eyes, praying for relief.  An hour and half, and 3 Baby Einsteins later,  I crawled off the couch and tried to get us ready so I could take Mitch lunch.  I wish I could say this is the worst of it.

Fast forward to the car,   Bella is still in a very foul mood and fights getting strapped in.  I know I am in trouble because she loves her new car seat.  She screams and cries from our house in Irmo, SC all the way to the  temple.. YEP! All forty-five minutes.  I tried puffs, the its bitsy spider song, a bottle... nothing could appease the monster that was my child.  How could this be?  My little angel who is all smiles. And this wasn't an "I'm hurting" or "I'm tired" cry.  It was an "I'm going to cry because I'm ticked off and I can" and she did.  I've never gotten frustrated with Bella or mad at  her.  She is an awesome kid, but yesterday, I was on the brink of insanity.  She was fed, dry, and not hurting, there should be no reason to cry.  As stated in earlier posts, I choose not to spank or pop, but yesterday I started to second guess that.  But then I remembered, it was just because I was frustrated that I wanted too and I made a promise not to punish while frustrated.  I will discipline with love and a clear, calm mind.  (SPOILER ALERT: I didn't pop her, so yay for sticking to my guns).  At this point, I'm miserable and irritated and very close to not liking my own child.

Ironically, this picture was not taken on the day of the event, but I feel it captures the essence of yesterday.

 We finally get to Chick-fil-A, and Mitch finished the temple early so he met me there.  Of course, when Mitch is there, she stops crying.  Makes me feel even better (am I the only one this happens too?)  .  At least she's not crying anymore.  She acted out a bit, but not much with him.  I can't stress enough how out of character this is for Bella.  I wondered if somehow this could be my child or even worse, if this is what it is going to be like from now on.  After a hug and kiss from Mitch for Bella and I, we headed home.  And no sooner did we get on the interstate did the "possession" start back up!  I was sooo frustrated, I didn't know what to do. I prayed and tried to have the most contrite heart I could, but the agitation was taking over.  I tried to be firm and lay down the law, NOTHING. Still screaming.  I tried to comfort and soothe, NOTHING.  Still screaming.  I was at my wits ends, that I just clapped my hands together really loudly and then firmly said, you're not hurt, you're okay, there is no need to cry.  I probably sounded and looked like a crazy person, if you were driving by but it made me feel better for the moment.   I can't explain how badly I felt yesterday.  And of course, of all days, Bella chooses this one to throw all civility to the birds.

She screams all the way home and I drive on the verge of tears as my head and body throbs.  We pull off our exit and finally the beast passes out.   I rolled down the windows and parked the car in the driveway and kicked my seat back.  If she was asleep, I was not about to awake the cracken and prayed after the nap, she'd wake up on the right side of the car seat.  Twenty minutes later, no such luck.  She is just as angry and I feel even worse.  Oh yeah, it's only 1:30, at this point.  So we make lunch.  And then I feed her a bottle hoping she will conk out.  Not happening.  I'm desperate at this point and tired of fighting a losing battle.  I normally only let her watch 2 Baby Einsteins MAX a day, if that, so that's not an option. I gather a few toys and let her bring the VICKS thermometer with us and we both get into her crib.

That's right. I got into Bella's crib. I tried to coax her to lay down with me but after that failed. I just let her play with her toys.  It was confined and I knew she would be safe and I was right there with her.  I tried to rest, it hurt so much.  I called Mitch and asked him to come home sooner than later, because I really didn't know what else to do.  Bella played a bit and then the abuse started.  She started hitting me in the face (Big NO NO, but even bigger when I feel like poop)  So I told her "No, we do not hit Mommy in the face.  (Again, we don't hit, much less in the face so I don't know where this is coming from)  This is not the first time she's hit me in the face, and we've been working on it, but "Ah ah ah and no mam" are not working.  After the whole hair pulling debacle, I wasn't sure what to do!  So after trying to talk and explain we don't hit Mommy and being thoroughly frustrated at wits end... I really felt like popping, but knew it was wrong.  I took a breather and said a prayer, and got to a calmer place.  She threw my iphone at me and hit me in the head... It's heavy and it hurt.  Where is my break?  So much for calmness. I prayed she would get sleepy  because  I couldn't take much more.  I finally looked up Baby Einstein on youtube (THANK YOU Internet) and she seemed to be entertained so I started to close my eyes,  That when she whacked me in the face with thermometer,  It was deliberate, it hurt, and it was the last straw.

This is not your lightweight, run-of-the-mill thermometer.  It's heavy and dense.

When your on the verge of sleep, the almost drug-like relaxation phase, and you get whacked in the head... hard... with a heavy object, the self-preservation instinct kicks in and you want to whack whatever hit you back and harder.  It's a reflex.  But there's this weird mom thing, that acts in a millisecond of that thought, rationally, it's like the little kid pulling on the bully that's about to knock someone's lights out.  And it worked.  I was able to process, it was Bella and not react.  I did however think quickly.  A friend mentioned how she flicked her child on the cheek and said no.  Bella can't flick herself so need to worry about the hair pulling incident.  When she hit me in the face, I flicked her cheek and said no. She hit me harder.  I flicked her and said no.  Five trials later.  The hitting stopped.  I never flicked harder, just consistent and repetitive.  Given, she's been doomed before she was born.  The Cooper's and The Howe's have tempers that are forces of nature.  She got both genes, so we were preparing for a fierce temper, but she was close to loosening demons from Hell yesterday, but I'm pretty sure they were too afraid to approach her, so they stayed home.

Not photo-shopped... this picture fits so perfectly....
Alas, she does not have horns or red eyes...
she was wearing pig tails and it's those darling blue eyes that reflect the red

After the slap boxing session, courtesy of Bella, I decided to make some dinner.  I felt like death warmed over, so we had pasta.  We said a prayer on the food, and also prayed that things would get better.  We went outside after dinner and swung in the swing.  Every step brought more pain,  I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.  I was hoping to bond with my child, since I felt like she was a stranger all day.  Talking about Heavenly Father's creations in all the world around us, welcoming the spirit that felt non-existent all day.  My prayers were finally answered, after I felt like I could bear no more, Mitch came home :)  He was planning on working to 6:30 and then going to lab so it looked like Bella and I would be together until bedtime at 8.  I had no idea, how I was going to make it but Heavenly Father showered me with that blessing.

I handed Bella to Daddy and he sent me to bed.  Of course, she was excited to see Daddy, and the little monster hid away.  I crawled to bed and passed out.

At 6:30, Mitch woke me up, and informed me, she had been bathed and was tired and I could probably put her to bed.  I only felt worse and knew I had one shot to put her to bed.  I wasn't going to risk it.  I went in the kitchen and made a warm bottle (FYI, we no longer feed Bella to sleep since she has teeth now, and the milk can cause tooth decay... with that said, one time can't do too much damage, and I felt this time, the pros far outweighed the con.)  I wisked her away with bottle in hand and for the glider, we went.  Five minutes later, she was out.
*Side note: Heavenly Father's time is way better than ours, because if she had napped when I wanted her to and prayed she would, she would not have gone to bed at 6:30 and sleep til 7 am the next morning... this is a miracle because she normally wakes up at least twice during the night and never sleeps for more than 10 1/2 hours*

Soon after, so was I.  I laid there and waited for Mitch.  I felt so bad.  I hurt everywhere, even my eyes hurt and brain felt like it was going to explode.  I started to worry if I had a tumor or cancer or meningitis, I felt so bad.  Then I started to think about how I didn't have health insurance. Mitch and Bella do, but Mitch is in school and we have to pay out of pocket for his summer classes.  How could we afford it, if I was to be that sick?  Would the hospitals even treat me knowing we can't afford it.  Was I going to die?  I know it seems melodramatic, but it's real life stuff.  And at that point in time,  I knew something had to be awful wrong to put me so completely out of commission.  I knew I need a priesthood blessing.  And that costs no money at all :)

Mitch got home after 10 and gave me a blessing.  Shortly after, I started to feel better. (I've created links for all the non-LDS readers who might not understand what I'm talking about)  I am SO grateful that he holds the priesthood.  That he honors his priesthood and strives to be worthy of its power.  Yesterday was hell.  But in that moment, the heavens were opened and peace & comfort surrounded me.  It had been the worst day I'd had in a looong time.  In that instant,  when Mitch exercised his priesthood calling as patriarch of our family, it strengthened my testimony just a that much more.  I was so grateful for him and for my family.

I love Bella more than anything in the world.  She is my bestest buddy, my partner in crime, my constant confidant.  I am so grateful to be her mother and am trying my darndest to teach her the right things and let her know she is loved.  I'm trying to raise her in a righteous home with parents who care for each other.  I know this post sounds like I hate my kid, I promise, I don't.  She really is awesome.  And smart. Quite the little character, if I do say so myself, (she gets that from her Daddy).  We just had a bad day yesterday, a REALLY bad day.  But after it was all said and done,  I went and held me sleeping angel and told her how much I loved her.  No matter what she did or how hard she hit me.

It makes me wonder if we ever give Heavenly Father days like this.  When we are upset about something, we just cry and complain because we can and suffer, instead of getting down on our knees and praying.  How many times do we "hit Him in the face" by our actions that He so clearly has counseled us against?  How many times does He still open His arms to us with a loving smile, and say "Repent and return to me, it's never too late?"  Always.

Today has been amazing.  I feel great.  Bella and I have been laughing and playing and she's just been so lovable.  We are back on track and no hitting in the face!  It's like yesterday never happened.  It's amazing how blessings, combined with the faith we have and Heavenly Father's will, we are blessed.  I know this was a miracle in my life.  I literally went from the gates of Hell to the doors of Heaven in twenty four hours, and words cannot express my gratitude.  I pray that I don't have days like this anytime soon, but I know they will come, and I know I will overcome them. With help, of course!

I am grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It has brought me peace and happiness, even in my roughest of days.  It has filled that emptiness inside me and given purpose to my life.  It has helped me understand where I came and where I can return.  The Scriptures are great gems and as I read and study them, it roots my testimony in the truthfulness of the gospel.  I know this church is the true church restored on this earth, in the latter days, as it was in the time of Jesus Christ, before the apostasy.  I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows my name, He knows my needs, He hears my innermost cries. He loves me and I am His child.  I have a divine nature.  I know I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who also loves me.  So much that He atoned for my sins, that I might be able to repent and return to live with my family again.  I know that He set the example for us all to follow and I know that it is through Him and His grace, along with all we can do, that we can return to live with our Heavenly Father again.  I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, have bodies like we do, and they are separate individuals, and we were created in their image. I know that the gift of the Holy Ghost can bring us great comfort and knowledge.  As I keep my life centered in righteous things, and listen to the small whisper of the Holy Ghost, my family and I can be blessed. I know that having a body is one of the most wonderful gifts we could be given.  Without them, we would not be able to come to this earth and be tried and tested and able to progress.  I know that our bodies are temples that house our Spirit and should be treated as such.  They are not to be defiled or misused and they are certainly not ours to "do whatever we want."  I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet and that he receives revelation from our Father in Heaven.  Just like Joseph Smith did when he translated, not wrote, the Book of Mormon.  The Book of Mormon is true, I challenge anyone who has not read it, to read it.  You cannot read it and not know with a surety, that the church is true, lest your hearts are hardened.  But if you read and pray with an open heart, with real intent, it will be confirmed to you, I promise. This is just a small portion of my testimony, but I bear witness of these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Just for fun, to remind you (and myself) how lovable she is!

A small reward for reading my lengthy novella, that is this blog post.