I'm a worry wart

I should be asleep but I did nap today so maybe it's not as bad as just not sleeping but nonetheless here I am. It's worth it because I'm feeling Ronan move and for the first time in awhile I'm having to count movements. So each little roll and bladder push is worth every bit if the sleepy I'm going to be come breakfast time.

We had my bi weekly appt today and even though I had gained weight (as requested) I'm now measuring almost four weeks behind! I was measuring two weeks behind at my last visit and had maintained the same weight for the previous two visits. This pregnancy has been completely different from Bella in almost every way comparable. The only place you can tell that I'm pregnant is obviously my tummy and my boobs are huge! With Bella I was a swollen hot mess! I can still wear pre pregnancy jeans albeit buttoning them is a different story but Hey! They fit over my hips! And I'm not trying to be a skinny preggo (oxymoron) or lose weight but I'm definitely smaller than I should be. Aside from the huge belly and minor physical limitations, I forget I'm pregnant until I feel Ronan move. And oh how I look forward to those moments!

So my OB orders an ultrasound to check growth informing me he could just be a small baby. I often make jokes in situations where I'm uncomfortable or worried so instead of asking reasonable questions such as "why am I so far behind?" or "is my baby okay?". I reply "awesome because Bella nearly killed me at 7 lb 14.6 oz". When i went to schedule i thought itd be in the next two weeks, but he specified this week. Which surprised me. Well the plan is to go to Tennessee on Thursday to visit Mitch's grandparents so I scheduled for Monday, convinced its no big deal.

But then I came home. And it had time to sink in... Of course, I googled it.... NEVER Google it. Words like preeclampsia and IUGR and preterm labor pop up. And then I can't reach Mitch which is über frustrating because now I'm left to my own demise. He calls back soon and then I lose it, breaking down. Did I do something wrong? Have I caused my baby harm? I just figured that if I try my best to eat healthy then the baby will take what he needs. I haven't taken my prenatals very consistently.... At all, much to Mitch's dismay but I never thought it was that important. I couldn't really take them with Bella and she is perfectly healthy. I just figured it'd be the same case here. So for the first time, it sinks in, that maybe everything is not okay. Which is the worst feeling ever. As I'm crying on the phone with Mitch, he assures me everything is going to be okay and if it were urgent they wouldn't have let me leave the office.

So I call the OB just to make sure I don't need to come in sooner and the assure me, Monday is fine. It seems so far away.

Of course I've been excited for Ronan this whole time but it wasn't until I took Bella to her super sibling class and they showed a video, a silly video at that, about the family and what to expect with a new baby, that I got emotional. In a good way, like I'm really going to have a son and Bella will be the big sister. It will be such a change but I know it's right and meant to be. And the thought that it might not happen scares the dickens out of me!

I asked Mitch for a blessing and as soon as he started, I felt comfort. This is in God's hands and He will take care of me and my family. I am so grateful to have the priesthood in our home. I am probably worried for nothing and really hope to update on Monday, confirming I'm a silly ninny head.