Today has been the long awaited OB visit. I'm officially 38 weeks and have been trying to defeat this horrible cough since 34 weeks in case I were to go into labor (I'd had the cough a month prior) and didn't want to be sick when that time came. Well Ronan is still safe and sound in my growing tummy. No, really, I'm growing, at least three pounds since last week growing. So you can only imagine my dismay after my second round of antibiotics and my cough and symptoms growing increasingly worse. To the point of sprained ribs on both sides now, which I do not wish or recommend to anyone. It's not the rib sprain itself that is so unbearable as the cough that causes you to use those muscles that kills. But the purpose of this post is not to rehash my previous one in a watered down manner, but focus on the blessings of today.
I had a rough night last night rough twenty four hours yesterday. So much so that I contemplated going to the ER, (which I never do unless it's an emergency) and even called my husband home during his break between classes which he desperately needed, to study for a very difficult class that he had a test in that nigh, but I'd reach my breaking point. I could no longer juggle everything as horrible as I felt. I thought I got all the emotional things out and I would be clear headed for my doctor's appointment today. I did try to contact my GP yesterday but not only did they not return my call after promising to do so, they did not offer any relief or validity to my claims. I was determined I was not leaving the office of my OB until something was done because I absolutely could not go on living the way I was. This is not an exaggeration, I was a woman of desperation, not for pain medicine but relief from this forsaken cough. I was completely ready for them to poke and prod wherever need be to make me well, send me to the hospital, whatever they need. I just could not go on. So when the nurse called me back and asked how I was, I was honest. "Not good." I was surprised that I had gained weight but was grateful for the weight gain which means Ronan is doing well, even if I'm not.
As they sent me back into the waiting room, I prayed for Heavenly Father to please inspire the doctors to help heal me. I also texted with my sis in law, the very real possibility, that I might "fake a break" and pee myself to get back to a room faster. While funny, I decided to try honest and keep myself dry. They called me back and since I'm so far in my pregnancy, I get to do the pelvic exams :) It's really not so bad after the first child, just kind of procedural. Not that I'm no longer a modest person, I just more fully understand what goes into pregnancy and childbirth and NOTHING is sacred anymore, life goes on. So here I am, in my little sheet, waiting for the doctor. Miserable and sitting up because reclining is not an option because it made my cough even worse. It's awkward sitting there bottomless (even if you're covered) left to your own demise for awhile. Even if the majority of that time is focusing on not coughing and remembering everything you have to ask/tell the OB. I was apprehensive because I was seeing a male OB, he being one of the more sensitive ones, but I was so afraid he was just going to tell me to suck it up. Maybe it was the fear that inspired my next actions. Maybe it was the continuous prayer I was offering for mercy and compassion from this man, inspiration for him, if need be, but Something! Anything.
When he finally comes in, and asks how I am, I calmly state I'm miserable, and then I go into the whole spill over everything that has been happening and how unbearable it is, and not like "your at the end of your pregnancy miserable" but "legitimately I'm really sick miserable" I cough and that's when I lose it. The tears come and I explain how I have done everything I can to combat the cough but nothing is working and no one will help me. I mention the possibility of a steroid shot and the risk of increasing the size of the baby and possible induction. All in a few breaths, because lets face it, sometimes the doctors are in and out and you have to spew information to get responses. Today I was not taking no for an answer. I didn't mean to turn on the waterworks, it was just I had brought like 30ft of toilet paper with me to the OB and by the time I was seen I was down to my three last squares, and I guess that just did me in. He was very compassionate, maybe a little scared of the crying and sick preggo lady, and told me he'd check my cervix and then we could talk. He listened to my chest first and said he did hear some congestion but thought it was upper respiratory infection. He also listened to Ronan's heartbeat and said everything was fine. Great news, I've progressed another cm this weeks, so I'm up to 2 cm, still 70% effaced. When I originally called on Monday because I thought I was at my limit then, they suggested giving the antibiotics time to work and then coming in Friday and we could talk about inducing then. So I'd be lying to say I wasn't pretty determined to leave with an induction date. So after the exam, he left me to get dressed.. which was actually harder than I remember it being that morning but I accomplished it.
When he came in, I expressed my utter dismay over the situation and the pain I was in, if I couldn't be induced, could I please get help with the cough. The man is a bonafide saint! Not only did he offer me the steroid shot, citing its really not the big of a deal this late in the pregnancy, but he gave me actual cough syrup with codeine (which by the way is not helping me sleep because my insomnia is a beast) and pain medicine for my ribs from coughing. I'm just taking the cough medicine because that is my major problem and I'm not trying to take any more medication than absolutely necessary. I have never been so grateful for a shot my entire life! He said they don't like to induce before 39 weeks unless medically necessary and since Ronan is doing fine, I understand the hesitation. He did agree to bring me back on Tuesday and check my progression and we can go from there. He also explained treating a cough is a very hard thing to do, even harder when your body is already compromised from the pregnancy and everyone treats you like you are radioactive. This statement in itself was a comfort. Sometimes women just want to be understood and it makes us feel better. I was feeling more and more optimistic about the appointment and my outlook on life. There was hope. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and I was getting the shot I so desperately wanted in my bum! I wouldn't have to protest, Heavenly Father fought my battle for me with all of the prayers by so many others. I am so blessed.
After the nurse gave me the shot, I sat down for a few minutes because the last time I had a shot like that (I was in high school) they told me to walk it off and I wound up passing out. Since I wasn't pregnant then, I decided not to risk it. I had also decided while sitting there, I was hungry and after all this mess and being couped up in our home for two weeks, I deserved some chinese food. My mom is in town for the shower and it worked out that we got to have lunch together. She even drove which was nice and it was nice to eat and conversate with an adult without having Bella pull my hair while I ate or demand this or that ( Mommy loves you Bella! I'd take you with me anywhere, anytime.) I even ordered a Mountain Dew to celebrate with my favorite chinese dish from my favorite chinese place in Lexington.
Normally Bella would be with me, but since I don't want to actually explain where babies come from or why another man is looking in the place ( Bella imitates everything, all I need is for her to imitate that one Sunday at church, because you know that's exactly where it would happen) my wonderful sister in law offered to spend some time with Bella and she got to play with her cousins. I was actually really surprised when I dropped her off at their house because she walked in like she owned the place and went straight to the play room. I had to snag her on the stairs for a hug goodbye and she was on her merry way. I was surprised not because I think my in laws are bad people, they are awesome, but I'd never left her there alone before and since it was a new experience I expected a little anxiety or maybe even a slight hesitation for me to leave, but NOPE, she was good to go. And I was grateful she felt comfortable and loved in the situation. I knew she was in good hands and would have a blast. I'm thankful they're back from China and we can spend lots of time with them in the future! It also allowed me to have lunch with my mom which hasn't happened, just the two of us, in quite sometime.
What's even more amazing is how much better I felt as the day progressed. It was amazing! Who knew steroids could be so stinking awesome? I had forgotten. I still had a cough, but not like the "debilitating bend over stop breathing cough" and words cannot express my happiness over this. Even the pain was worth it, because it wasn't constant. The day just flowed very smoothly and was just an all around great day that I have needed so much. I don't know if the trial is over or if I have just be too stubborn to not ask to "just be healed" until last night (for some reason, I forget I can pray for myself too) or it was everyone's prayers, maybe it's a combination. But I'm really looking forward to what's ahead. I've never been so relieved. I am grateful for my progress, I might not even be pushed to be induced, even though that's what I'm comfortable with, but hopefully overcoming the cough will be enough for me, and I can be patient and realize there are far worse things in this life. And if I can survive what I did while taking care of my family, then I can accomplish a lot of things I didn't find myself capable of.
This doesn't make me wise and all knowing, because tonight, as I took the cough medicine and I'm laying in bed, waiting for Ronan to start break dancing, as he always does between 10:30pm-3:00am, I felt what felt like rapid breathing and then it stopped. I still haven't felt movement and he gets the hiccups a lot and this wasn't hiccups. My mind always goes to the worst place. I'm thinking my baby just died because he couldn't handle the medicine. It's a surreal thought, but a scary one. SO I call the OB on call, and explain the situation, to which he explains a very valid point. My baby isn't breathing. I felt pretty stupid, but relived. Because he's not and I'm just an over anxious mother. He explained the medicine has a sedative in it and the baby is most likely sedated. Unfortunately for me, I'm not feeling the same sedation. I finally found something that will sedate this kid, he's so active! *SIDE NOTE: I'm not trying to drug my unborn baby, just get us better so I can be the best me and take care of him when he gets here. I'm not one of those moms.* I mean this kids does flips and kicks and rolls and it's an amazing to feel so I was really scared when I couldn't get him to move, at all. I felt better after talking to the OB and apologized for disturbing him so late, but it didn't feel normal and I was worried. I was ready to drive myself to the ER but after he pointed out the baby isn't breathing anyway, I felt kind of silly about the whole thing. I don't care if I get charged $200 for the call (actually I do, but you know what I mean) it's worth knowing the safety of my baby. I really like to think I'm the sane pregnant lady, but after writing this, I'm starting to wonder if there isn't some crazy pregnant lady in me, lying dormantly, waiting to act out. Or maybe the medicine is starting to kick in for me, and I just don't realize it.
Anyways, the purpose of the story is... grateful. getting better. excited for the future. extremely blessed with friends and family who love and care about me and the wellbeing of my family. and hoping that the highlight of tomorrow is not a shot in my bottom, but if it were, I'll take it because I'm hoping the hard times are behind me and "I'm moving on up..." Okay, I'm singing the Jefferson's theme song, I need to go to bed. I promised a happier post, and here it is. I'll keep you updated on the progress and hopefully some cute pictures of Ronan in my arms this upcoming week. Whatever Heavenly Father wants, I will follow because He know His plan for me and I will trust in that, no matter what. If I go to October, well then so be it, as long as this cough goes away! I'm definitely signing off, I have a wonderful baby shower being thrown by awesome friends tomorrow (today) and I'm excited to celebrate instead of lounging in pajamas wondering when it will get better... because it did and it will. To happier times and next post, God bless!
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