Happy thoughts are gone.

I know I've kind of been back and forth with my posts but now I'm just in a negative place. I've past my due date and have no definitive signs of labor.

We went to the zoo yesterday and I walked and walked and walked. We went to Sandys where I ate hot dogs with Texas Pete. Then I went to get a foot massage where they paid extra attention to my heels which was supposed to help induce labor. I walked and pushed through the constant, if not regular, contractions I had all day.  When I finally got around to timing them, I noticed they were hitting me every three minutes.  So I called the OB and they told me to come in.

So I went to the hospital last night because my contractions were every three minutes. I was told to come in when they were at 4-5 minutes apart so I felt like I was for sure having Ronan last night. We called my sister in law who came to get Bella and I told Bella I was going to have her little brother.  I was surprisingly calm and excited. I've had so much anxiety over leaving Bella but I felt like this was it and I was going to let things fall into place.

We get to the ER and they take me in a wheelchair to the MAC unity.  My nurse was awesome.  They took me to my room, had me put on the hospital gown and then put me on the monitor then she checked me.  Because I was a friendly person and tried to be polite, I wasn't exhibiting "labor behavior" and was told to walk for 45 minutes and then come back. If I truly was in labor, then I should progress from walking, if not... they send me home.  At which point they would check me again. Before walking I was at 3 cm and 80% effaced, after walking I was still there. But I was having contractions off the charts every 3-5 minutes that lasted two minutes and they still sent me home. The paper they gave me even said to come in at 3-5 minutes but I was told to disregard that and only come back if water broke or my contractions were way more painful and three minutes apart. I honestly feel like they are just making stuff up now.  Because everytime I follow instructions, I'm given more hoops to jump through.  Pretty much don't come in unless you can see the head.  Oh and I forgot to mention, while my nurse is checking my cervix she makes a comment about how weird it is she can feel Ronan's head just moving around in there.  AS encouraging as that is, could we wait to make those comments when I'm not fully exposed.  Awkward moment.  Since I was having painful contractions they gave me a shot for pain ( again in my butt) and sent me on my merry way.   Shots in your butt take effect exponentially faster than shots in your arm.  By the time I signed the papers, I was drunk.  They did offer encouragement that I'd probably be back tonight to have the baby.

Well people, I'm in my bathtub, not at the the hospital.  I'm contracting but not painful enough. I'm extremely frustrated. I called the OB on call tonight and broke down crying and the best she could offer is inducing on Tuesday. To be completely honest, I'm not even excited to be going into labor or having a baby. I've eaten all the foods I wanted "just in case"' and have no other cravings to satisfy.  I'm tired of charting contractions that I can't tell when one starts and the other stops and then I get a really painful one and they taper off.  I'm tired of trying to induce labor because obviously it's not happening. I'm tired of being completely prepared and ready to go, and my body won't do anything.  I honestly don't believe this baby is real, even though I feel it move inside me.    I know that sounds completely crazy. Like I said, I'm in a negative place and all the words of "comfort" of when the time is right it will happen, while well intentioned, make me want to scream. Because I am the one with the baby inside that is crushing my ribs and will most likely shread my lady parts to pieces and can I just add... If I have to have a c- section I'm going to be pissed because I warned the OB about the size of my babies.  And at this point I feel severely unvalidated in any of my concerns which is SO frustrating.  I really am a happy person so this is saying something, being this miserable.

It's a full moon and its raining so conditions should be ideal for delivering a baby but I'm not. I'm sulking in the bathtub giving up all hope this baby is going to come out.  I know he will eventually.  But I have family down from out of town, there is Mitch's school schedule and everything feels completely ruined.  I know I've going on about faith, but right now, my patience is gone and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I really have no choice in the matter, and I know I should choose to be happy, but right now, I'm sour grapes.

I don't want to feel this way. I want to be in a motherly glow and ramble about new life and how wonderful it will be to hold him in my arms but right now I don't feel that way. Right now I'm mad at the system, I feel like its failed me. I'm mad my body won't do what it was meant to do. Im frustrated that I'm just supposed to "know" my body is in labor and I don't.  But considering everything I've been through, I have no idea where my  pain thresh hold is and nothing surprises me at this point so I don't know how I'm supposed to just magically "know" my body.   And before you judge, I've been pregnant 10 months! I conceived on Jan. 3 and tomorrow is October 1st so I'm just over this whole process. I know I shouldn't feel this way and really think I've handled everything really well up until this point. I also feel like I'm entitled to a break down moment. I'm not superwoman. I'm overdue hormonal pregnant woman that is absolutely discouraged.

So I'll take my bath and go to bed and wake up in the morning with a huge belly and no sign of labor. I'm just going to quit trying and pray things look better in the morning because for the life of me, I can't find a happy thought to give me encouragement. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll find one.