MIxed Emotions

Emotions I got.  Plenty to spare, as I near the end of this pregnancy.  I write this as my loving husband and father to my children, is rocking our sweet Bella to sleep.  I'm also experiencing some fairly consistent contractions that are slightly painful.  Which urges me to write this now, because if I do go into labor tonight (I've been thinking I've been going into labor all weekend...) I want to remember how I feel.

I know it's a little late in the game to be contemplating this, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready.  I want to go into labor, I want to meet my son and hold Ronan in my arms. I want to be over being sick and actually be able to take medicine that will help heal me.  But at the same time, in the next room, I have this adorable little girl who needs me.  And how would she feel if I go into labor in the middle of the night, and she wakes up to come to our room and I'm not there.  I know this sounds incredibly silly.  I know she will survive.  I just have this inept desire to make sure my children never feel like I've left them, regardless of the situation.  I guess I didn't thoroughly think this one through or did my ever so popular "block it out and it won't really happen" thing.  I am in no means saying I don't want to have Ronan, because I do!  I want Bella to have a sibling.  She is so loving and caring and is so excited for Ronan to get here.  She loves him already.  I'm just having "cold toes" about the change (that I have ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL)

I've tried my hardest to talk to her about everything that will happen.  I try to explain to her that when Ronan comes home with us, I'll be his Mommy, but that I will always be her Mommy too!  That there are going to be a lot of changes that happen, but that will never change, I will always be her Mommy.  You most likely think I'm crazy talking to a two year old like this, but Bella is surprisingly perceptive and is able to deal with things logically.  Given sometimes, you have to wade through her temper tantrums to get to her logical side, but she does get there. She seems like she is in such a fragile state right now of transition, which makes me even more reluctant to go into labor.  I feel like she needs me right now and not that Ronan doesn't.  I don't love my children differently.  It's just one is in front of me, showing me they need my attention and love, while the other is securely in my body, waiting for the right time to make his arrival.

I know I said earlier I was trying to avoid being induced.  I loved being induced with Bella.  I loved being able to say, "This is when I'll go to the hospital to have my baby" (if I didn't go into labor before, which I didn't ...) Mitchell and I talked about it tonight and I have an OB appointment on Tuesday (if I can't reschedule for tomorrow) and we have decided, that if I haven't gone into labor on my own on Friday, then I'm going to try to be induced then.  Friday is my due date.  I know "due dates"  are really a gestimation of time, but I'm almost positive that we know when we conceived and little man will have had plenty of time to cook.  Another reason while we feel like being induced will be good for me, is the fact that I have already been through a LOT during this pregnancy and I'm concerned for Ronan's size and the size of my body.  Bella was born at 39 weeks 4 days, and weighed 7 lbs 14.6oz (the .6 matters) and that left me with a third degree tear = no beuno.  I am currently at 39 weeks 2 days with Ronan, and boys typically range on the bigger side of weight so... bottom line, I'd like to try and keep my bottom intact and I'm just not sure waiting beyond that date will increase my chances of that happening.  You might be thinking, well there's talking out of both sides of your mouth, where's your faith.  Faith, I have.  I also have a brain, and the ability to use my good judgement, and I know what my body can handle, and I want to try to avoid the c-section at all costs.

This whole post is two sided.  Part of me wants to go into labor right now, but the other part is reluctant.  I'm almost positive Bella will wake up in the middle of the night, and she will crawl into our bed, where she will rub my arm and hold me so tight and then fall right back asleep.  I would love it so much better if maybe I go into labor when she is awake and alert and I can explain to her what is happening.  I would never wake her up to do that.  Bella and I have a special bond and I just feel like if I can explain it to her, I'll have a better birthing experience.  So technically I would be okay with going into labor tomorrow, if need be, during the day.  But then that leads to the whole, who will take care of Bella since Mitchell's mom is going back to work.  I will need Mitch with me, and Mitch's sister could watch her but her husband is out of town and I really don't want to add another child to the mix when she's already down a helping hand.  So there's that.  So ideally people, I'm changing my mind about everything and praying Ronan comes on Friday... whether it be naturally or with medical help.

I understand I have completely no control over this situation.  I know there is never a perfect time to have a baby.   There is always something that doesn't go the way you expect it.  When the baby is ready, the baby will come, ready or not (unless you're induced).  But we have a really complicated situation.  Mitch has school and work and we are relying on other people who can't take off work at the moment.  So ideally, if I were to go into labor on Friday and have Ronan then, Bella could be with grandparents, and I have Mitch with me during the days (and Bella too) and he can go home at nights to be there for her or just go for a little while to put her to bed and then come back to me (given there are no complications with me or the baby) and then hopefully I can come home from the hospital on Sunday and then have Mon-Wed with Mitch at home and he can go back to classes on Thursday and Mitch's mom can take off work after October 1st and then she'll be there to help me.  My mom is also coming down, but then I can give her a definite heads up.  This is my wish, I can only hope Heavenly Father will be merciful and let me have it this way.  If not, His plan is always better and I will go with that.

I just love my little family so much.  I'm really blessed to have such an awesome husband and adorable little daughter who is SO smart.  And pretty soon, I'm going to have my son in my arms, life is good.  I'm just a worry wart, planner... so this is super hard for me.  Last time I did this, I didn't have to worry about anyone else's well being except mine, Mitch could fend for himself, if need be, but this time around, I've got a precious blond haired, blue-eyed girl who very much depends on me.  And it changes everything.  Now I need to worry about who will take care of her so I can have Mitch with me and also how to best take care of Ronan. It's only been two years but I feel like I've forgotten a lot of stuff.  Ronan, be patient with Mommy, I'm going to be new at this all over again.

The pregnancy part of it has not been as bad these past two trimesters, as the health issues that have been experienced have been miserable and draining.  My immune system is shot.  So it will be a prayerful manner when we decide to have another child.  I don't feel like this is our last child, but I will have two children to think about then and I want to make sure I'm super duper healthy so as to try my hardest to prevent a hard pregnancy.  SO I'm happy to have Ronan in my arms soon, but it's also bittersweet.  My days of just Bella and I are coming to an end.  I know it will be a good change.  I know this will be a part of our progression in this life, and I know after this moment, all will be well.  Bella will have a little brother and they will love each other so much!  She's already so willing to help and I feel like we have prepared her the best way we can for whats going to happen.  In the end, it all boils down to faith again.  I need to have faith that no matter what happens, it's in Heavenly Father's plan for me and my family.  Even if I do go into labor tonight, I can pray that Heavenly Father will send His angels, to watch over mine.  Bella told me today, as we were looking at pictures in the Book of Mormon stories,  "Jesus is my buddy"   Yes, sweetheart, he is.  I know what is meant to be will be.  And with that I'm going to try to go to sleep and cross my legs so that Ronan won't come out tonight ;)